I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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