You smell like a Billy Joel song
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
