NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
