turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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