I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
