I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
