frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
