Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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