i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
