I smell stomach acid.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
