I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
