It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
