I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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