Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
