you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she peed on how many people?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My vagina is officially offended.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
