You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
