well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
