Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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