as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
