I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
