Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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