The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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