Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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