you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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