Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
