When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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