There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
