neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
