can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
