I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
