We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
