we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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