The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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