just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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