barbara walters just said penis...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
