sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
