Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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