"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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