he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
