i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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