He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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