ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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