I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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