rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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