Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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