You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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