my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
