there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
this boner is exhausting
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
