Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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