well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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