You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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