you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
