I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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