I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
