My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
