did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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