It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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