hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
