I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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