I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
