he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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